I feel like such an adult today. Paid all my bills, deposited some money, made myself food, got to work early, properly dressed myself, didn’t look like an asshole in front of anyone! Productivity has reached an all time high.
I was recently broken up with and feeling a little down in the dumps. At around 2am this past Saturday I stumbled into my friends’ apartment for some extra drinks as well as the fancy Meat & Cheese platter that I (correctly) assumed they had. About an hour and several drinks later my friend Bill decided to give me a pep talk:
Bill: Hey. You’re a good man who does the right thing and treats people the way they deserve to be treated.
Me: (nodding, taking big gulps of whiskey)
Bill: I’m sure you treated her right and sometimes it just doesn’t work, you know? There are plenty of other girls out there and soon you won’t even think about this girl because you’ll find someone that blows away everything you thought you wanted in another person.
Me: (nodding, smiling)
Bill: You’re a good guy and I’m proud to call you my friend.
We hug and stand in silence for a few seconds. I take another big gulp of my whiskey.
Me: Can I ask you somethi-
Bill: Did I fart?
Me: Ya! I didn’t want to say anything because you were giving me this awesome half-time speech…
Bill: Oh ya I definitely farted. Right when we hugged.
Me:I knew it! I was gonna give you the benefit of the doubt because there’s 6 other people here but…
I look around the room. In the distance a group of people snack on the last of the prosciutto.
Me:…there’s like nobody else near us and I didn’t feel a draft or anything.
Bill: I felt bad because I could tell that you knew and I was just sort of waiting for you to bring it up.
Me: It was such a good speech and made me feel good and all I could think about was how you’d feel if you didn’t fart and I just shit all over the special moment we were having.
We both wait a beat before laughing as hard as humanly possible. We catch our breath and give each other a big ol’ man hug - the kind where you pat each other on the back twice before you let go.
Me: That was the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
Full frontal feminism: a young women’s guide to why feminism matters
By Jessica Valenti
Yoga has already made me so flexible yippee!!
My roommate came home from her employee party, literally flew down a flight of stairs, smacked her head on the wall, went limp like a rag doll, won’t talk, won’t swallow water, hasn’t puked, and is laying in the bath tub.
God fucking damn it.
If you’re not going to listen to me when I talk, then why would I waste my attention on you? Why would I keep trying if I’m constantly being spoken over?
I just want a god damn milk shake and some god damn food please and fuck you.